So, since you clicked here, it’s entirely likely you’re one of the many married guys on Grindr who are on the horns of a dilemma: You’re straight, but you’re really curious about the idea of sucking a big hard cock.
Maybe you get turned on by the “pals go camping and get sweaty in the tent” stories. Perhaps the steamy tales about manly blowjobs in the health club showers get you off. Maybe you spank your monkey while thinking about being forced to suck some hulking dude’s veiny tool in a dark back alley. Whatever floats your boat, you’ve become a little bit fixated with the idea of having sex with another guy.
Hey, it’s cool…fantasy is a wonderful thing. Action, however, is an entirely different matter.
As a practical consideration, you are married and you’re almost certainly convinced there’s no way in hell your old lady will understand and accept your urges. You’re not alone. There are a lot of guys fixated on the idea but terrified of doing anything about it.
Let me guess: You’ve been married a long time and you find yourself vastly more sexually charged than your “vanilla” wife. She’s lost interest completely or will only do it in the dark, under the covers in the missionary position. Yet you are hornier than ever. You’re frustrated – very frustrated – and you’ve developed a gnawing itch to explore the sublimated bi side you’ve had since you were younger. You’re not attracted to men romantically (yech!) and still love to fuck women (and would, if your wife ever actually deigned to open her legs for you). But you keep thinking about how it would feel to lick and swallow a big hard cock or get your ass royally fucked. You want it bad and you’re thinking about how you could make your fantasy come to life. Am I right?
Well, if you’re that guy, there are three things you can do. First, you can put about six glasses of wine into your wife, gulp hard, and share your inclinations with her. You probably won’t do this because it scares the living shit out of you. Option two is to do absolutely nothing and keep secretly watching man-on-man porn on your computer, flogging your dolphin and bemoaning your situation. The vast majority of guys will do this because it’s the path of least resistance and we’re lazy by nature. The final option is to act on your urges. Only a few will dare to traverse this rocky and winding trail.
I was one of those few. I lived that lifestyle for the last four years of a now defunct quarter-century long marriage. Rather than telling you my whole sordid tale here, suffice it to say that I had plenty of experience in the world of secret married cocksucking. So, for the benefit of curious guys everywhere, I thought I’d share a few insights and tips for those of you considering this path. Let’s get started!
First, since married guys are generally a wee bit squeamish about hanging out in gay bars or frequenting the cum-stained stalls of the local adult store, the logical place to start your quest is Grindr, Scruff or numerous other gay dating apps. Be advised that sane, masculine tops with rock-hard 8″ dicks and a place of their own are rarer than pink unicorns on Grindr and – to put it quite bluntly – married cocksuckers who can’t host are a dime a dozen. Squirt is probably a little safer and a little gayer than the Russian roulette that is Grindr, the basic membership is free and the “shopping” is interesting. . Hey…do both if you want. I did.
Obviously, you need a double secret e-mail address and a fool-proof computer security strategy for all of this. More on that in a bit…
You can browse through Grindr, Squirt and various chat rooms and maybe contact guys who meet your minimum criteria (such as “can host” or “doesn’t seem like a serial killer”). However, I recommend you take the process into your own hands and create a good profile. Be honest about who you are and what you want. Put in a little detail about your specific interests in your copy. Don’t just post “Want to suck a big throbbing cock right now!” Take some time with it to sell yourself and try to appeal to the good guys out there who are less likely to be lying sacks of shit or, god forbid, dangerous.
Bonus Tip: Include a real pic of some kind in your profile, preferably a nice cock shot and not an image you clipped out of a family portrait shot at Wal-Mart in 1996. The point is people are far more likely to respond if you include a good pic. Go figure.
Next, swallow hard (so to speak) and post your profile. Modify it if you don’t like the response you get. Be patient, for god’s sake. You’ve waited years to wrap your lips around a fat juicy cock, you can wait a week or so longer to find one that happens to be attached to a decent, non-crazy guy. Trade some messages and pics and try to find out what he wants. For example, does he only get off if you’re wearing a pair of his wife’s panties on your head? Does he expect to bend you over a picnic table and ream you bareback on the first date? Is he, god forbid, a pit sniffer?
Bonus Tip: I avoided guys who replied in one-line “grunts,” couldn’t spell CAT or were fixated on one thing (“I luv giving road head!”). My experience was that smarter, versatile guys seem to be better in bed, more discreet and…well…smarter. Smart is sexy for me.
A lot of married guys prefer other married guys because you’re “both in the same boat” and are unlikely to rat each other out. This is generally true. However, the idea of finding some hunky neighbor or some other safe dude to become a regular secret suck buddy is kind of a (ahem!) pipe dream. Chances are it will be a one-shot (ha!) deal.
(An important note from the author about being with bi guys vs. gay guys: In my humble opinion, gay guys give way better head. End of important note.)
(Another important gay-related note: You might be struggling with the whole “Does this make me gay?” thing. Here’s the simple test: Picture a perfect naked woman and a perfect naked man lying side by side on the floor and both beckoning to you to have your way with them. Whose bones are you gonna jump first?)
Okay, at this point you’ve found Mr. Right and it’s time to set up your mystery date. You should absolutely, 100%, no exceptions – seriously dude – arrange to meet the guy for coffee or a drink first and check him out. If he refuses, he’s probably lying his ass off about something (e.g., weighs 400 pounds, has a 2-inch dick, hasn’t showered in a month, is outright batshit crazy, all of the above). Try to arrange to meet near wherever you’ll presumably be doing the dirty deed. If you click, you’re off to cocksucking heaven in 10 minutes. If you don’t click, you suddenly remember a dentist’s appointment across town.
Okay, now for the risks. I worried less about STDs than about nut cases, but like I said earlier, it pays to be patient and find that clean, sane, smarter-than-average married guy and you reduce all the those risks. They are out there so, again, be patient.
Here’s the real risk: Getting caught. You are cheating on your wife and almost certainly leaving an evidence trail behind you. I thought I was Mr. Careful about this, but my ex was suspicious by nature and knew just enough about computers to be dangerous. As a result, I am now divorced and broke. Don’t get me wrong: I’m much, much happier…but I’m still suffering the just and well-earned consequences of being dishonest and unfaithful. I caused a good woman a lot of undeserved pain and guilt is a very shitty thing. But I digress…
Anyway, I’m obviously no tech security whiz, but in hindsight I’d never use a shared computer to do any of this stuff. Even on your personal laptop, always delete the browsing history every time and use “In Private” browsing or some version of it. Whatever secret e-mail host like gmail or Yahoo you choose, select a password that would literally never occur to your wife. Always log out of shit instead of using the “keep me signed in” function. Still, unless you’re Bill Fucking Gates or something, your computer activity will always be a risk. You have been warned.
Bonus tip: All of this is immensely simpler if you happen to be traveling on business. You’re alone in a hotel room, horny, with your laptop, you can meet the guy in the lobby bar and not really expose yourself badly…Welcome to Geographic Bachelorhood! When I traveled, I basically used gay hookup apps. And I traveled a lot…
Does all this work? I’m guessing that even with no small amount of experience, precautions and proven techniques, I still had a “conversion rate” of less than 50 percent after setting up a man meat meeting. Guys, as you know, are assholes about keeping appointments. They would get cold feet (or a better offer) and just wouldn’t show up. Or, sometimes, we would meet and one or both of us would say, “Nah, not my type.”
Among successful hookups, I’d say roughly a third were bad, a third were okay and a third were absolutely fantastic. I was particularly fond of one very, very skilled younger guy who looked right in my eyes and gave me my first “shocker” right as I was about to cum down his throat. I think my wad blew a hole through the back of his skull when he popped that wet finger up my tailpipe. Then there were the two very well-endowed guys who decided to bring out my submissive side for an entire day. Ahhh…good times…and I will write about them soon.
Here’s the bottom (har!) line: Know the risks and weigh them against how much you crave this experience. Chances are, if you’re halfway careful, you will get away with it the first time, probably the second, etc. But the risk grows over time and you can get (dare I say it?) cocky. You’ll get sloppy about your computer habits or she’ll start to wonder whether you really played poker with the boys Tuesday night and check your alibi. (You did have an alibi, right?) You will be living a secret life and only you will know if the thrills outweigh the chills.
If I could jump in Mr. Peabody’s Wayback machine and change anything, I would have screwed up my courage ten years ago and told my ex that I was deeply unhappy with our sex life and wanted to try new things. She may have dismissed it with contempt, decided I was gay after all and tossed me out…but there was a glimmer of a chance that she might have understood. Either way, I could have avoided all of the dishonesty I engaged in while I was married by being honest about sex with a woman I professed to love. Poor communication is the death spiral of any marriage and this is important stuff that should be talked about.
Fortunately, I have talked like that with the woman I love now…and she gets it. Ironically, she’d flirted with going the bi route herself during the latter stages of her own long separation, so my confessions didn’t make her brain explode. And honestly, our sex life as a couple is so amazing and so far beyond my wildest dreams, I simply don’t feel the bi urge as often. But I may someday, and she knows that. I suspect it’s only a matter of time before we invite another man or woman (or both) into our bed. That, kids, will be fun when the time comes because we’ll do it right and choose the lucky person or persons wisely using the same techniques I learned in the good old bad old days.