His chest was against mine, I felt his smooth skin, and our legs, bent and between each other, my thigh between his, I could feel his penis, I could feel another man’s soft, warm cock against my own, pushing gently into my crotch.
I’d known Matthias for about two years. We worked together, got to be pretty good friends out of work as well. Out of work started with the usual birthday drinks, leaving drinks, Christmas parties. He got me back into clubbing, he pretended that I got him into tennis.
There were a few of us out just before one Christmas. Someone asked if I wanted a pill. A few hours later we were all in one of Berlin’s gay clubs dancing with our shirts off and packing ourselves into toilet cubicles to do coke.
This was a thing, every few months. I had a girlfriend, we timed it for when she had plans, usually when she was away for a weekend, visiting her parents, a work trip, something like that, and I went out with Matthias. Sometimes with a few others, sometimes not. Saturday into Sunday, sometimes, not often, but once or twice Friday into Monday. We met in a pub for a couple, never much before nine, then to whatever club he was most into at the time.
It took me a week to recover from those weekends.
I stayed over at Matthias’s apartment a few times afterwards, sometimes to carry on after a club, to wind down, some wine, a few spliffs, a sleep on his sofa. A few times I went back to his after he’d hooked up with a guy. Sometimes things got a little messy. Sometimes more dancing, more bare chests, I’m not sure if they forgot I was there, or liked the fact I could see them, but one time Matthias and his guy, Rafael, were dancing without their shirts, and started making out. This was fine, fun. It got pretty steamy though, when they were still in the living room, still in front of me. Matthias undid the Rafael’s jeans, pushed them open and pulled his dick out.
I had to admit, I found it slightly funny that the Rafa’s dick was completely soft. Drug soft. He didn’t seem to mind, Matthias didn’t either. He knelt and took the Rafael’s jeans and underwear off, he stood and danced nude. Matthias let Rafa undress him, this was a first, for me anyway, I was far too wired to pay memorable attention. I remember lots of skin, I remember them kissing, dancing and stroking each other, working up sweats, I remember Matthias’s soft penis, flopping up and down as they danced. I remember nights similar to this with Emmi, with other girlfriends, sex isn’t quite the point, contact is enough, everything and nothing is sex.
They pulled me to my feet and drew me into their small circle. I danced with my jeans on, next to these two naked guys. I danced as they kissed, as they slid their hands over each other’s bare bodies, Matthias gripping Rafael’s naked bum, Rafael reaching and holding Matthias’s large, still soft cock as they moved.
I think, I mean, I woke up on Matthias’s sofa without any clothes on, I think I let them undress me as well. I have very fragmented memories of being naked with them, enjoying this, dancing, touching, being touched. Looking though, I enjoyed looking, Matthias’s long penis, slapping up and down, Rafael’s smaller, like mine, both of us reduced by our pills and potions, moving, jumping, our tiny, crinkled dicks bobbling within our damp pubic hair.
I managed a shower and some coffee the next morning before braving the Tube to get home.
We pieced together the evening when we broke for cigarettes on Monday morning.
‘Um, you stayed over didn’t you? Came back to mine?’
‘Mmm, with you and Pablo.’
‘There was dancing wasn’t there? Did we all get nude?’
“I fear we did.’
‘Oh god, sorry, you and two gays.’
‘Mmm, I bet.’
‘Did you two get up to much after I left?’
‘After? You don’t remember?’
‘Nothing, usual, a morning after fuck. Pretty nice. Still kind of loose, but the flesh is more willing.’
‘Indeed. Big? Small?’
We’d had similar conversations before.
‘Nice, nice size, nothing enormous, nice.’
‘Is small a deal breaker?’
‘Too late isn’t really, once you find out, slightly cruel to send him packing. But no, small can be beautiful, anyway, he had a nice dick, and he gave me the most amazing blow job.’
I had a strange feeling listening to Matthias talk about this. He’d shared his sex stories before, I liked hearing them, he listened to some of mine, we didn’t spare each other any detail. Hearing about him and Rafael though felt different. I didn’t really explore why. I accepted this odd jealousy. Life went on.
It was summer the next time a few of us went out. We had a three hour cruise along the Spree, drinks, then a pill each, a sneaky spliff when we thought no-body would notice. Then onward. There was dancing, more drinking. I went home and stayed with Matthias again. He didn’t pull anyone that night. We were up late, mostly talking, smoking cigarettes, letting ourselves enjoy the feeling of coming down. We both hit that nice stage of wanting to sleep but not being able to drop off, physical weariness, exhaustion almost.
‘Fuck it, I’m going to lie in bed.’
‘You can join me, come on, big double, we can stretch out’
‘Yeah, alright then.’
This was new. I’d always crashed on the sofa before. We pulled each other to our feet and walked to Matthias’s bedroom. He had a nice apartment, and a nice bedroom, a big double, as he said, books and records, large windows. The light was just beginning to creep in around the edges of his blinds.
‘Right, so I’m going to undress, I’m taking everything off, just so you know.’
‘Mmm, fair enough, your bed your rules.’
I hadn’t decided. I didn’t want to leave anything on, I hated sleeping in clothes, even just boxer shorts. I undressed slowly, to give myself time to make my mind up. I watched Matthias. He didn’t mind. His tight blue T-shirt. I saw his chest, smooth, his skin pale, tight though, he went to the gym, firm chest, a flat belly. He undid his belt and buttons, unzipped and pushed his jeans off. I saw his black briefs, the soft shape of his dick. And this only quickly. Matthias slid his fingers in and took off his pants. I saw him strip. I saw his dark pubic hair, his lean, well-muscled legs, and I saw the soft length of his penis.
He was under the sheets quickly. I was still undoing my own trousers. He did seem to have quite a large cock. I knew what mine would look like, I didn’t really care, Matthias’s would be longer, and thicker, quite pale, uncircumcised, fleshy, a long stem with a fat oval tip bumping between his firm thighs. Fuck it.
‘Oh fuck it.’
‘Ha, let’s see you.’
Matthias sat up as I gripped the waist band of my white boxer shorts and pushed them off. I felt my own soft penis catch and spring out, Jesus it looked small, it wasn’t big at the best of times, not when I was soft anyway, now it looked tiny, my balls were high and hidden, my scrotum was a taut set of folds underneath my dick. Which was barely there. My stem had shrunk to nothing, my tip, I knew, had reduced itself to something like the end of my little finger, buried within a small bobble of dark wrinkled skin. This was my penis, nothing but foreskin, sticking out straight in front of me, shaking within my dark thicket of pubic hair. I stood, wondering whether to make a joke of it, I didn’t. I didn’t care. I saw Matthias looking. He smiled. And pulled the sheet back to let me in.
We lay in bed together for ages, not trying to sleep exactly, just enjoying the feeling of our own nakedness, stretching out, relaxing muscles tired from dancing. We smoked. The sunlight was starting to warm the room up. It felt fine to push the sheet off ourselves and lie on top of the bed naked. He looked good, I mean, I had to admit it, model good, his arms and shoulders, the classic ripped abdomen. The dense cloud of hair vivid against his smooth skin, and his large, soft cock.
I was in okay shape, straight guy shape, I ran a bit, and tried to avoid carb binges late at night, I had slimness going for me, but much less tone and tightness, compared to Matthias. I was living off the remains of my skinny indie days. My body as smooth and hairless as Matthias’s, apart from my dark bush. My legs were kind of hairy, arms too. And the obvious point of comparison. The tiny prong of my soft dick sticking up straight above me, a small point just rising above the fuzzy thatch of dense hair.
Matthias moved closer, I didn’t mind, this was physical, but not sexual. Wonderful either way. We let our legs rub together. We were close to sleeping, in the half world of semi-consciousness. We slid closer again. I watched Matthias’s soft cock wobble heavily. It was a thing of beauty no question, not huge, just large, thick, long. His tip was almost showing, I could see, his foreskin stretched slightly around his soft glans, I could see the shape of it, I knew with me the outline of my tip pushed out gently against my skin, Matthias’s was the same, it mushroomed out perfectly, his prepuce opening, the slim pink lips of his tiny slit just peeping out.
‘This is nice.’
‘Mmm, I know.’
‘Okay if we snuggle up a bit more?’
‘Mmm, go on then.’
I was moving without thinking. Where had thinking ever got me. I moved as Matthias did, and I felt our naked bodies touching, still facing each other, half on our backs, half on our sides. It was exquisite, delicious, the feel of my skin against Matthias’s, we moved our arms, our hands, under ourselves, this didn’t quite work.
‘Come on, just, closer, like this.’
‘Ah, yeah, I got you.’
Closer. Our bodies touched completely. Matthias had one arm bent under his head, I did too, the other was on my naked hip. I rested mine around his side. His chest was against mine, I felt his smooth skin, and our legs, bent and between each other, my thigh between Matthias’s, I could feel his penis, I could feel another man’s soft, warm cock against my own, pushing gently into my crotch, our pubic hair meshed, the taut prong of my buried dick pushed out straight into Matthias’s hot penis. I could feel his breath.
We slept like this.
I don’t know for how long, a few hours I think. It was mid-morning or so when we woke up. Not in an embrace. Still naked though, the sheets covering us.
‘Uh, that bad?’
‘Don’t know, too early to tell.’
‘How’s that water?’
I got the glass next to the bed, sat up, aware of my bare body, aware of Matthias’s, and sipped.
‘Urrgh, awful, warm.’
‘Shall I get us a cold one?’
‘Mmm, sounds perfect’
I watched Matthias get out of bed, so carelessly nude, his tall body broad at the top, drawing in tight around his waist. I watched his bare ass, so smooth, so firm, so perfectly curved. I watched him come back with two cold bottles of water. His soft cock was swaying, thumping against his thighs, rippling almost, slightly smaller than before, slimmer, a more regular sized, there again, the faint outline of his glans, his foreskin a small pinched sleeve at the end of his dick.
He sat on the bed, his legs crossed and gave me one of the bottles.
‘No bother. You need to get back?’
‘Ha, kicking me out?’
‘No, course not, hang out a while, be nice, just thought you might need to be somewhere.’
‘No, Emmi is away for the weekend, going to have a nice lazy Saturday.’
‘Sound perfect. Have it here.’
‘Well, maybe. Damn this is nice, need a piss though.’
‘Yep, you know where it is, see you in twenty minutes.’
I got up, I tried to be as casual with my own nudity as Matthias had been. I felt my dick wobble as I got out of bed, felt Matthias looking as I walked around the bottom of the bed. I looked at myself in his bathroom mirror. Tall, about the same height, skinny, no question, in need of some home cooking, I looked at the dark triangle of hair above my genitals, my tight scrotum, the dark bulb of my soft penis. I held my dick and relaxed into an enormous piss, not quite twenty minutes, but a blissful release that hit the pan with pleasing force, making a sound I knew Matthias would hear.
On, on. I shook my penis, flushed, splashed water on my face. For good measure I kept the tap going and washed my cock. It wasn’t dirty really, yesterday’s shower was holding me steady, I freshened it up, flicked more water, stroked, slid my foreskin back and rubbed wet fingers around the tip of it. I dried off and looked again. No, no hope for it. No signs of life. I liked it though, I have to admit, I like the way I look well enough, my dick pulled back on itself, pulled up, the slightest sign of length, that hadn’t been in evidence last night, so slim though, so small, a tapered little frond of male sex, bouncing up and down as I walked back to Matthias’s bedroom.
He was half up on some pillows, half covered, his chest showing, the thick trail of hair leading from his tight belly button down, spreading out above his crotch, pressing out against the sheet.
I stood, nude, still nude, I didn’t want to dress, I saw Matthias looking, up, down, smiling. He had a good smile.
‘Yeah, fuck knows why you can never piss when you’re high.’
‘Strange one isn’t it.’
I got back in the bed.
‘You have plans today?’
‘No, nothing, one big night out is enough these days, need my lazy Saturdays.’
‘What do you normally do?’
‘Absolutely nothing, lay in bed, read, have a bath.’
‘Bath man, not a shower?’
‘Don’t have a shower in this apartment, I like baths though.’
‘Yeah, haven’t had one for years I don’t think.’
‘I love a long bath, then, more nothing, I don’t even bother getting dressed half the time, some lunch, long, lazy, nude days.’
‘Brilliant, nude, really?’
‘Yeah, is that odd?’
‘You and Emmi don’t have the odd nude day?’
‘Nope, should, maybe I’ll suggest it.’
‘You should, I’m as gay as they come but I can see Emmi is quite beautiful, bet she looks stunning nude, and you…’
‘Me? You going to finish that thought?’
‘You look gorgeous too darling.’
We sat a while, Matthias had the weekend Guardian delivered. He got up and went to get it, accepting my dare to pad down naked to the bottom of the six floor building to get it. He ran back out of breath.
‘I do usually put clothes on for that.’
I couldn’t stop looking at this beautiful man. I was sober, I had no excuses, I didn’t want to leave, I felt the weird pleasure that feels so close to fear, nervousness, Matthias got back into bed and didn’t pull the sheet over himself. I let myself reach for a section of paper, letting the sheet fall away, sitting back, both of us uncovered. We sat up, our backs against the window ledge behind Matthias’s bed, our legs stretched out and crossed. I looked as much as I read, gazing at Matthias’s naked body, his softening balls, large looking, stretching the skin of his scrotum, pulling it down, nestled in a line along the crook of his thighs, his dick curved above, a quarter circle, arching over his leg.
I saw him looking at me, my testicles held tight, smaller, a taut round pouch, my cock pushed upright, squat, kind of thicker than before, a small oval, my foreskin bunched out over the end, like the end of a small trunk.
Matthias made coffee, without getting dressed. I got up and joined him in the kitchen, both of us nude, I watched him move, turn, I looked at his bare ass, this thing of stunning male beauty, even I could see, strong looking, large, firm, turning, reaching, his cock so soft, was this his normal size? Smaller than the night before, than the time with Rafael, normal sized, the size I suppose I knew from changing rooms, showers, moments of shared nudity with other male friends, skinny dips, beaches, dancing naked around camp fires. All around the same length, some thicker, some with thinner dicks, some shorter, thicker, but nobody much larger than anyone else, not that I cared even then, was I smaller?
I didn’t mind. I enjoyed it then, with straight friends, I was enjoying this, I was enjoying being nude with someone else, another guy, another friend, one who happened to be gay, I liked it that Matthias could look at me, see all of my body, I realised it was an erotic pleasure, a way short of sexual, but the same feeling I got with a woman I liked, potential, closeness of something new happening, a sharing of intimacy, of my most personal, private self, here, my body, this is what I look like without clothes, this, it was a subtle thrill knowing a gay guy was able to check me out, look at my dick, was I smaller than most, would Matthias store this information away, use it later, talk about me to his gay friends.
“Yeah, no he’s straight, good looking certainly, nice enough body, slim, nice, quite a small dick though, cute, uncircumcised, so small, one of those that kind of sticks out even when it’s soft.” “Oh yeah, I love those, see them when I go swimming, at the gym, showering after, straight guys always seem to have such little dicks, always need to concentrate so I don’t get a raging hard-on.”
Matthias handed me a cup.
‘Milk? Or anything?’
‘No, black is fine.’
‘Like your coffee like you like your men.’
‘Black and strong?’ ’And they come in a cup.’
We walked into Matthias’s living room to drink it, he opened the blinds, pale sunlight streamed in, still quite early in the day, the sky light, an even sheet of white cloud. We stood naked in front of his window, side by side, looking out. My cock was still sticking out, Matthias’s hanging in front of him, curving out slightly, a freckle, on the side, tiny blue veins showing on the skin of it, the curled clasp of his foreskin a series of lines and wrinkles, his stem so smooth, eight, nine centimeters.
We sat a while as we finished our coffee.
‘Um, take a bath, if you want, I might in a while, have a soak, freshen up.’
‘Yeah, is that okay? I might.’
‘Course, whenever you want.’
I didn’t wait for long. I walked to Matthias’s bathroom and started to fill the tub. Walking seemed more fun naked, in and out, some more water, sitting opposite Matthias waiting for the water, his legs casually apart, one foot up on the cushion, his balls large, heavy, hanging lower, his dick touching them, seeming to, the tip of it just meeting the cleave of his two oval testicles. I heard my water deepening and turned the taps off. I stepped in and lay out, my legs bent, I saw my cock float above my body, my balls too. Five minutes, ten, I stroked my skin, pushed water over my face, my hair, rubbed my back, I heard barefoot steps.
‘Need a smoke?’
‘Oh, indeed, thanks.’
I saw Matthias walk in, still such a strange sweet shock to see him naked, all of his body exposed, his legs, his thighs, his narrow middle, the perfect jiggling length of his dick.
‘Don’t mind if I get in too?’
‘Sure, why not.’
He put some cigarettes and matches on the floor by the bath and stepped in. I sat up, giving him room, the taps at Matthias’s end. I watched his legs spread, I saw the dangle of his balls, his bare ass, the fringe of dark hair spread along his tight cleft, the way his soft cock swayed and shook as he sat down.
We had a bath together, I had a bath with another guy, with Matthias, my friend. I have to admit, I felt my penis start to swell, just a little, the warmth of the water, the closeness of another person, the smell of him, the sight of water dripping over his skin, the steam filling the room, I looked at myself. Not a hard-on, no, just, I don’t know what, a softening, a warming.
Matthias lit two cigarettes and gave one to me, we smoked together, leaning back.
‘Stretch, can I just… yep…’
We moved our legs, touching again, his calves over my hips, his legs moving wider apart, moving down, closer, my thighs under his knees, my feet against his armpits, I felt my penis, I could feel the tremors of expansion. Something touching it, nothing apart from Matthias’s cock, his touching mine, floating together, I could see both of us, both of our soft penises, floating, weightless, our balls swaying in the soft eddies we created, our legs were apart, it was harder not to look than to look at us, one male sex organ next to another, knocking, grazing, our soft tips kissing.