I dated girls because that’s what was expected. But I secretly lusted for boys and my male teachers.
My name is Harry. I guess you could say that growing up, I led somewhat of a double-life. As far as my family and close friends knew, I was arrow-straight. I played the game and projected the image that I knew would go over well with the people in my life. After all, when you’re from a small town in the Midwest, you have to do what you have to do in order to fit in. So, I dated my share of girls. Of course, things never went anywhere. I couldn’t bring myself to have sex with any of them. I was too busy lusting after my male teachers.
It was all just harmless fantasy. But, there was one man I wanted more than anything. And, as far as I was concerned, he would forever be out of my reach. I’m talking about my father. If you saw him, you’d understand why. He’s 6’2″ tall with wavy black hair and when he smiled, he made your heart melt. He was an accountant, but not your typical bookish-looking kind of guy. He worked out whenever he got a chance and kept his body in great shape. He wasn’t overly muscular, but his body was definitely toned.
I don’t think my parents ever knew that I was gay. I did my best to hide that part of myself from my family. When the time came for me to leave for college, part of me was very relieved. I felt like I might finally stand a chance at living a more open life. And that’s what I set out to do. I went to a university in the big city closest to my hometown. It was far enough away that I felt comfortable being more open about my sexuality, but close enough that I could come home to visit on occasion. Unfortunately, I never got around to “living my life out loud” as I had wanted to. I became too wrapped up in my studies to develop much of a social life. After college, I found work in the city and decided to relocate there permanently instead of returning home. The years went by and I found myself being in contact with my parents less and less. It wasn’t that I was trying to cut them out of my life. My job was more demanding than I realized and before I knew it, I had gone a couple years without visiting home or even calling.
However, my life was about to change drastically in more ways than one. Because of the economic downturn, I got laid-off from my job. Unfortunately, I couldn’t find another job right away…which meant I couldn’t continue to afford the rent on my condo. After falling out of touch with them, I hated to have to ask my parents to take me in. I wanted to make it on my own…and moving back home at age 31 definitely put a crimp in those plans. However, I didn’t even have to ask. Upon hearing about my having fallen on hard times, my mom immediately said, “You’re moving back home. No ‘ifs, ands, or buts’ about it.” I promised both of my parents that it would only be until I was back on my feet, financially and reluctantly moved back home.
It felt good being back home. Most everything was as I remembered it. Except, Mom was working a lot. At this point in her life, I figured she’d be ready to retire – just like my dad had done a few years ago. But it seemed as if she was working even more, frequently working 11 or 12 hour days and going out of town on business trips. I began to notice how it affected my dad. He seemed so lonely. I also noticed how hot my dad still was. He still kept in shape by running in the evenings and working out four times a week. And his hair had started to go salt & pepper, which actually made him even sexier, in my opinion. I, of course, felt like I still had to keep up the charade of being straight. God only knows why, at 31, I couldn’t tell my parents the truth.
One evening, after telling my parents I was going out on a date, my dad told me he was planning a special, romantic evening at home for he and my mom. I promised him I’d stay out as late as possible to give them their privacy. Unfortunately, things didn’t go as planned. My married date’s wife, who was supposed to be involved in city council business late into the evening, came home at the most inopportune time.
My date, Bob, and I were in their bedroom stripped naked. I was about to bury my cock in his ass when the wife walked in and flipped her lid at seeing her supposedly loving husband on his back, begging to be fucked. After kissing him goodbye in front of her (Hey…I was feeling my oats, I guess!), I left for home with a still-raging hard-on in my pants. It was only after I put my key in the front door lock that I remembered about my parents’ romantic evening. I decided I would try to sneak in and up to my room unnoticed. However, when I walked in the house, I saw my dad sitting on the sofa, dressed up like he would be for a day at work (or a romantic evening) with a beer in his hand and two empty bottles on the coffee table.
“Dad?” I asked.
“Oh… Hey, Harry. Why are you home so early? I thought you were on a date.”
“The evening didn’t go as planned. I forgot about your dinner plans with Mom. I hope I’m not interrupting.” I looked around and didn’t see any sign that Mom was home. “Where IS Mom?”
“By now, halfway to Seattle. Last minute business trip.”
“Oh no! I’m so sorry, Dad. I know how much you were looking forward to this evening.”
“Yeah. I thought your mom was too. I guess work is more important. That’s the way it’s been lately. And I’m so fucking sick of it!”
My heart really went out to him. My father was feeling lonely, neglected, and unloved. In the moment, I had the purest of motives. If only I’d known then what this next, seemingly innocent question would set into motion… “I’m really sorry, Dad. I’m sure she’ll make it up to you later. But for now, how about we have some dinner? I didn’t get to eat yet. I’m sure you haven’t either. We shouldn’t let this great dinner you prepared go to waste.”
“You sure you don’t mind spending the evening with your old man? I’m sure you have better things to do.”
I grinned at him. “There’s nothing I’d rather be doing right now.”
That put a smile on his face. I followed him into the dining room and was amazed at what I saw. The dining room table was full of gourmet food, lit candles, and a bottle of wine on ice. “Wow! You really went all out on this dinner, didn’t you?!”
Dad chuckled and I couldn’t tell if the look on his face was embarrassment, frustration, or a combination of both. “Yeah, Kiddo. Your mom said she had something important she wanted to tell me tonight at dinner. I wanted to go super-romantic. I was hoping that she was going to say she would be retiring soon and we could rediscover our love. Apparently, that’s not the case.”
“Rediscover your love? Dad, you don’t think Mom’s fallen out of love with you, do you? That’s crazy!”
“What am I supposed to think, Son? She’s never home anymore. When she IS here, we’re hardly in the same room together. She goes to bed before me…or if she doesn’t, she makes sure I’ve fallen asleep before she comes upstairs. We haven’t been…intimate…in over a year. I’m starting to wonder if she’s found another man. Someone younger, more virile, and sexier…than I am.”
Without thinking, I quickly said, “That’s not possible, Dad. There’s no man sexier than you.”
In my mind, my words seemed to hang out there in the dining room for ages. I stood frozen, not believing that I had just given vocal proof of my deepest feelings for my father. I saw a strange look on my father’s face. I was hoping maybe he was unsure of what I’d just said. I decided to change the subject quickly, hoping to gloss over my slip of the tongue. My father was already lonely, heartbroken, and drunk over the idea that my mother may no longer be in love with him. The last thing I wanted to hit him with tonight was the fact that, not only is his only son gay, but I have the hots for him too. “Dad, why don’t we sit down to dinner? The food will be cold if I don’t dig into it pretty soon.”
The rest of dinner seemed to go okay. Dad gave no indication that he was at all ruffled by – or even gave a second thought to – what I had said earlier. We spent the time having a great conversation…truly catching up on each other’s lives. Even though I’d been back at home for a couple months, I hadn’t really taken the time to sit down with either of my parents and just talk about LIFE. The two of us easily finished off the bottle of champagne he had bought for the occasion. Plus, we each drank three bottles of beer. After dinner, we went into the living room and he sat on the sofa. Or perhaps, flopped down on the sofa would’ve been the better description. It was now obvious that my dad was truly drunk. Alcohol and a broken heart are definitely not a good combination.
As I prepared to sit down next to him, he stopped me. “Son, you don’t have to keep me company. If you’d rather go up to your room and do whatever it is that you do up there in the evenings, please feel free to. You don’t have to feel obligated to spend the entire evening with me just because your mother isn’t here.”
I sat down next to him on the sofa anyway. “Are you kidding me, Dad? I don’t feel obligated to be here. I’m having a great time hangin’ with you. This is the first time since I moved back in that I’ve been able to spend any real time with you.”
He looked at me and grinned. I remember thinking at the time that it had to be the absolute sexiest grin I’ve ever seen, still to this day. “Yeah. It’s been a really nice evening, Son. Not the evening I expected to have, but it’s been really great.” He put his arm around my shoulders and rubbed my right arm. Oh great! Just what I needed…my cock to spring to life.
All of the sudden, out of left field, he brought up something that I had started to convince myself had gone unnoticed. Boy, was I wrong… “Son, I’ve been thinking all night about something you said earlier and trying to decide if I should bring it up or not. But I’ve decided I need to know what you meant. Earlier, you said there was no man sexier than me.”
I started to desperately figure out what words I could possibly use to worm out of the predicament I was convinced that statement had gotten me into. “Dad…”
Dad quickly interrupted me. “Now, don’t get me wrong. It’s always nice for a man – especially one of my age – to be told that he’s sexy. But it’s not every day that that comment comes from his own son. What did you mean when you said that?”
“Dad, I would think there’d be no room for subtext in a phrase like ‘there’s no man sexier than you.’ I meant exactly what I said.” I couldn’t tell what the expression on his face meant. Was he proud, disgusted, flattered, embarrassed, confused, angry…? I had no idea. The next thing that I saw made me even more confused. As I was bringing my eyes from my hands in my lap back up to his face to continue talking to him, I thought I saw some growth in his crotch. WHAT?! My eyes must be deceiving me. Or maybe it’s the way he’s sitting on the couch…just giving the illusion of movement. I decided to continue talking. I had a feeling of where this conversation was heading and I didn’t want him to catch me looking at his crotch. “I didn’t think you were one of those guys who had a problem receiving compliments from other guys. I didn’t mean to offend you.”
“No, no… You didn’t offend me. And please… You know I’m more enlightened than that. I’m not one of those insecure men so out of touch with his sexuality that he can’t accept a compliment from another man. I’m just surprised you’d say something like that to me. I mean, you’re my son…not a friend or a co-worker.”
“So, we’re cool, then?”
“Sure, Son. We’re fine.” His facial expression told me that he still had something on his mind, though.
“Dad, is there something else you want to say? You look like you’ve got something on your mind.”
“Never mind, Son. It’s nothing. Something personal I was going to ask you, but it’s nothing important.”
“Dad, after the great evening we’ve had, you shouldn’t feel like there’s anything you can’t ask me.” I was certain I knew what he wanted to ask me…and I’d rather he didn’t ask. But I wanted to make certain he knew he could ask me. Weird logic, huh?
“Son, you know neither your mom nor I have asked you about your love life or anybody you’ve dated…”
“Yeah. I’ve really appreciated that you gave me the freedom to find my own way. I never wanted overprotective parents who needed to meet every single person I’m dating.”
He smiled at me. “You seem to have done all right for yourself…although I have no proof of that.”
“What do you mean?” I wish he’d just come out and ask me already, rather than taking the long way around. I felt like fast forwarding through this whole conversation and just shouting, ‘YES, I’m gay, dammit!’
“It’s just that, I realized tonight that I’ve never met any of the girls you’ve dated. Not in high school and not since you moved back home. You always talked about going out with this girl and that girl, but I never met any of them. And tonight you said your date didn’t go well, but you haven’t told me anything about her.”
“Boy, Dad. Retirement sure is making you nosy. What are you going to do next…sit by the kitchen window with a pair of binoculars and spy on the neighborhood?”
He laughed. “The day I start doing that, Son, you have my permission to put me out of my misery. Look, I’m sorry about sticking my nose into your personal business. At 31, you have every right to your privacy. Tonight, you’ve heard more than your fair share of my marital problems…something you shouldn’t have even known about. I was just hoping to know a little bit more about YOU.” He put his hand on my left shoulder, patted me there, and then rubbed my shoulder. I looked at my dad and saw something in his eyes that I couldn’t quite explain. But looking into his eyes, all of the sudden I decided that I needed to be honest with him…not completely honest, mind you. But the time had come for me to stop lying to my parents about my sexuality…or, at least, one of them.
“Dad… I think it’s time that I was honest with you.”
He took his hand off my shoulder and looked me in the eyes. “Okay, Son. I’m listening.”
“There’s a reason that you and Mom never met any of the girls I said I dated in high school…and I haven’t told you anything about the woman I was on a date with tonight.” All of the nerves I had in the pit of my stomach seemed to well up inside me at that very moment. I couldn’t seem to form the words to speak the next sentence and I swear tears started streaming down my face.
Dad must’ve known I was having a hard time. He put his arms around me, looked me square in the eye with a look of deep compassion and said, “Son, it’s okay.”
He pulled me to him and I laid my head on his chest while I regained my composure. GOD, I could’ve stayed that way for the rest of the night. Having my father’s arms around me, my head resting on his chest. Despite my teary state, I was throwing some major wood in my jeans. But I knew I couldn’t stay like this for any longer. We needed to finish the conversation. I needed to say the words.
“Son, we can finish this conversation later. It’s late. Let’s just go to bed and finish talking tomorrow.”
I raised up to a seated position again and faced him. “No, Dad. I’m okay. I’ve kept this part of my life from you for too long. You know what I’m going to say, but I have to say the words to you…for me. Dad, I’m gay.”
What he said next really threw me for a loop. “We kind of suspected you might be.”
I was dumbfounded. Was I that obvious? “WE?! You mean, Mom knows too?”
“Yes,” he nodded. “Parents have a sixth sense about these things. When you raise someone and love someone, you get to know them pretty well. We just…KNEW.”
“I can’t believe I spent all this time, making up this elaborate lie about the life I was living when the two of you knew all along.”
Dad looked at me with a serious look on his face. “Why DID you?”
“I was worried about how the two of you would react.”
He smiled at me. “Son, your mom and I decided LONG ago that we love you, no matter what. The fact that you’re attracted to men doesn’t change that for EITHER of us. We just want you to be happy.”
I had the best parents in the world! And I felt like such a fool for thinking I had to lie to either of them. If my mom had been there at that point, I would’ve hugged her. But because she wasn’t, I could only hug my dad. Without thinking, I leaned over and wrapped my arms around him. We hugged for nearly a minute and, as I was pulling away, I turned and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. At that point, he shifted on the couch a bit. I glanced down at his crotch and thought I noticed some swelling down there. I don’t know whether or not it was the alcohol I’d had at dinner, all of the physical contact with my dad, or what…but I knew I needed to get up to my room and jack off right away. I was so damn horny, I couldn’t stand it. I was about to excuse myself for the evening, but Dad beat me to the punch.
“Thank you for sharing this with me, Son. I love you.”
“I love you too, Dad. But, if you’ll excuse me, I think I’d better head upstairs.” I thought I’d leave the rest to his assumptions. I didn’t want to tell him I had to go upstairs and jerk off because he was making me so fuckin’ horny. I figured it’s best that he just think I’m tired.
“Yep. I’d better go upstairs too.” As he started to get up off of the sofa, there was something else I wanted to say to him, so I stopped him, put my hands on both of his knees and leaned down to look him in the eye. Looking back, at that moment my life changed. Only, I didn’t realize it at the time.
“Dad, before I go to bed, I want to say one thing.”
“Something more earth-shattering than, ‘I’m gay’?” He grinned at me.
I chuckled, “No. But it’s something important… I don’t want you to feel sorry for yourself about tonight’s plans with Mom not working out. None of this is your fault. Now, she’s my mom and I love her. But, you deserve to be treated better than she treated you tonight. You deserve intimacy, affection, and to be treated well by someone who cares about you. You don’t have to blame Mom for any of this, but please don’t blame yourself, okay?”
“Thanks, Son. You’re a good kid, you know that?” He smiled that mega-watt smile at me and all of the sudden my heart just melted.
“So I’ve been told.” I leaned down and again gave him a hug and a kiss on the cheek. As I lifted my head back up, I stopped, my face just inches from his and looked in his eyes. Maybe it was my cock talking, but I saw such need in his eyes…the need to be loved and the longing to be touched. I leaned back down and kissed him again…this time on the lips…not the sort of quick kiss on the lips that a father and son might exchange, but one with more passion behind it. Exhilaration was all I could feel at the moment. I had dreamed of this for years and it was finally happening! After a few seconds, I pulled back and looked him in the eyes again. He didn’t speak, but the same look of need and longing was there. I leaned back down and kissed him again. This time, to my amazement, he kissed me back. We stayed like that for nearly a minute…him seated on the sofa, me standing in front of him…our mouths pressed together in a passionate kiss. Suddenly, he pulled away and leaned back on the sofa, breathless. I sat back down next to him.
“What in the hell am I doing?!” He said, with a look of panic on his face.
“Kissing me…and pretty damn well, I might add.” I smiled at him.
“We shouldn’t be doing this. I’m married. I’m straight. You’re my son, damn it!”
My cock was in total control of my actions, now. I had kissed my father and I wasn’t about to let this moment end. I put my hand on his right shoulder and looked him in his eyes. “Dad, just do me this one favor. If you do this, I’ll go upstairs and leave you alone right now. Look me in my eyes and tell me that you didn’t love the hell out of kissing me…that you don’t want to do it again. If you can do that, we’ll end this right now.”